It’s been a while since I’ve made a legitimate post. Usually I’ve covered this little blog with pictures I deemed worthy from Instagram (I’m so lame, haha) or things that I’ve reblogged from somewhere else. But nothing of real substance for a while. Whoops. Ok, so I’m not that sorry. Sometimes life just happens and more important things come up.

So many things have happened this semester that have turned my world upside down. It’s been crazy, painful, beautiful, and humbling. During these last few months, God has shown me the power of His sovereignty and His mercy in that. 

January: I quit working at Burger Life after working there for a little over a year and a half. Tough decision to make, but it was a much needed break. Started back at Malco as a manager and began balancing two jobs while in school… Again. Haha. It’s really not as terrible as I make it out to be, but I’ve definitely learned not to waste time. I still do waste time every now and then, but it’s important to prioritize. Which, I’m not perfect at. For example, right now I should be working on this psych project I have for my research lab… But I’m not. Haha. But in all seriousness, I like having two jobs and keeping busy. I’ve just always been a person who likes to always be doing something or going somewhere. Not a big deal.

February: Boom! This was where God decided to show me He wanted to really start making changes in my life. This was where He took the chisel up to my shoulder and really started chipping and taking off things I didn’t ever think He would. No matter how much I hold onto things, I can’t hold on forever if it’s not in God’s plan for me. Such an incredibly refining process and learning how little I relied on God before. Not gonna lie, it sucked. It hurt. I felt like I was mourning death and no one had even died. At least, not physically.

March/April: I had days where I had to literally pray myself through the next hour after hour until I made it to my bed at night. Don’t feel sorry for me though. The process of brokenness that I experienced was completely needed. I knew God was using this process to make me into His masterpiece, the person He intends for me to be. But sometimes I felt more like the scrap pile than the actual work. Hurt started to transition into resentment and bitterness. I was angry with myself and others in a way that’s really hard to explain with words. I was so angry with myself! I couldn’t believe the person I was and how stupid I had been. At least, I thought I had been stupid. I don’t know if that’s actually the case, but this anger was a huge hindrance in my life at this time. I was angry with other people for going on with life like they didn’t notice that I was hurting. I wanted the world to stop and cater to me and my scars. I realized how unrealistic this was and felt silly and foolish, but I kept holding on to this burden. Finally, I broke down on this and took a couple weeks away from social media to keep myself from posting anything that I might regret and to protect my heart from… I don’t even know what. But it just felt like something I needed to do. Really, really prayed hard about where I was and the anger I was feeling. And God just told me to let go. Colossians 3 spoke to me in a way that was more real than anything I had read in a long time. This truth was so refreshing and healing for my soul.

¹² Therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, put on tender mercies, kindness, humility, meekness, longsuffering; ¹³ bearing with one another, and forgiving one another, if anyone has a complaint against another; even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do. ¹⁴ But above all these things put on love, which is the bond of perfection. ¹⁵ And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to which also you were called in one body; and be thankful

Just like I had to forgive the subject of my hurt, I had to forgive myself. Throughout this process, I’ve talked to the dearest people in my life and sought out their counsel. One of the most valuable things I’ve learned is that forgiveness is not just a one-time deal. Sometimes forgiveness has to be a daily surrender. I had to forgive the one who had hurt me until it wasn’t hard anymore. I had to forgive daily, hourly, minute by minute. And in this, I had to forgive myself, too. I had to move on past this this hurt, this bitterness, this anger, this resentment, this brokenness, this hatred all lingering and burdening me. I couldn’t fix it. I can’t just pick up all the pieces in my life and try and put them back together. They’d just fall apart again. How many times could I go through that before I just gave up? I’d rather not find out. Instead, I have to give that all up to God. Only in Him can I find healing and peace and restoration. I’m so thankful that this is the case because if it were up to us to fix ourselves, we’d all be a mess. We’re human, after all.

I’m not sure why I’m putting this all out here for the world to see and know about… Not that anyone really reads this anyway. Haha. But I look back on the words I’ve put together and I’ve been very vague about why I was hurting. If you know, that’s fine. It’s nothing to hide. It’s nothing shameful. But it’s more just a matter of respect, I think. Throughout this whole process, I’ve just have wanted to be very careful. It’s really hard for me to explain. I guess because I was still so vulnerable and hurt, I knew that I had to be careful about the outlets I used in talking about all of this. I don’t want to be unfair or unreasonable in telling this story. There’s always at least two sides in a story, and I want to tell my side. But at the same time, I want to be unbiased (thank you, high school newspaper staff for drilling the importance of this into my brain permanently).

I guess what I’m trying to get at is that I hope that somehow these words will find their way to someone who needs them. I’ve seen already how God has used this event in my life to relate with others. Regardless, hurt is hurt. We’ve all experienced it. It’s what we decide to do with it that matters. Do we hold on to it and let it define us? Do we let it harden us and close us up? Or do we define our hurt? Do we let it teach us, reveal truth to us?

I love you.